1. Ceremonial Rituals

Sprint Planning: Fill Jira with vague hopes and duplicate epics → Start with outcomes, not tickets

Daily Standup: “Yesterday I… Today I… No blockers…” *[crickets]* → Ask: “What would unblock the team today?”

Retro: Air complaints, take no action → Turn 1 vent into 1 action item every sprint

Demo: Demo half-done work, panic when Zoom screen won’t share → Let teams show real value, not PowerPoint pixels

2. Roles & Personas

Product Owner: “Voice of the customer” → Forgets to talk to customers

Scrum Grandmaster: Keeps rituals alive → Can’t explain why we do them

Delivery Lead: Gets things shipped → Measures success only by shipping

Stakeholder X: Holds the purse strings → Joins sprint 6, changes sprint 1

3. Tools & Templates We Pretend to Love

The “Definition of Done” Poster: Hasn’t been updated since pre-pandemic. Still laminated.

Burndown Chart: Exists. Ignored. Only reviewed when things go wrong.

Velocity Metrics: Used to compare team happiness. Incorrectly.

The “Agile Board”: 78% of tickets live in “In Progress” or “Blocked” Purgatory.

4. Real Advice Hidden in the Chaos

Jira isn’t the source of truth. People are. If the board doesn’t reflect reality, talk to the humans.

Velocity is not a performance metric. It's a planning signal — not a scoreboard.

You don’t need more process. You need more courage. Courage to speak clearly, say no, and show up human.

If you’re never laughing, you’re not doing it right. Satire is a signal — it means we care enough to notice.