📅 Ceremonial Rituals
Sprint Planning: Fill Jira with vague hopes and duplicate epics → Start with outcomes, not tickets.
Daily Standup: “Yesterday I… Today I… No blockers…” *[crickets]* → Ask: “What would unblock the team today?”
Retro: Air complaints, take no action → Turn one vent into one action item every sprint.
Demo: Demo half-done work, panic when Zoom screen won’t share → Let teams show real value, not PowerPoint pixels.
🧑🤝🧑 Roles & Personas
Product Owner: “Voice of the customer” → Forgets to talk to customers.
Scrum Grandmaster: Keeps rituals alive → Can’t explain why we do them.
Delivery Lead: Gets things shipped → Measures success only by shipping.
Stakeholder X: Holds the purse strings → Joins sprint 6, changes sprint 1.
🛠️ Tools & Templates We Pretend to Love
The “Definition of Done” Poster: Hasn’t been updated since pre-pandemic. Still laminated.
Burndown Chart: Exists. Ignored. Only reviewed when things go wrong.
Velocity Metrics: Used to compare team happiness. Incorrectly.
The “Agile Board”: 78% of tickets live in “In Progress” or “Blocked” Purgatory.
💡 Real Advice Hidden in the Chaos
Jira isn’t the source of truth. People are. If the board doesn’t reflect reality, talk to the humans.
Velocity is not a performance metric. It’s a planning signal — not a scoreboard.
You don’t need more process. You need more courage. Courage to speak clearly, say no, and show up human.
If you’re never laughing, you’re not doing it right. Satire is a signal — it means we care enough to notice.